Do you need permission to seek your own happiness? To persue Love? Do you need permission and reassurance to get a divorce? To be told the kids are going to be okay? To come out ? To be your authentic self?
This one is for you.
Theres alot of negativity that surrounds divorce. It’s not okay. There are people all over the word thinking that getting a divorce will tear apart their family, will negatively impact your kids, will be a bad reflection on you as a person.
I’m sorry that society has taught you that your happiness doesn’t come first, that divorce is taboo, that you’d be the bad guy (person) for asking for one.
That’s a toxic societal ideal that is NOT okay. You know what is okay? Being happy, falling in love, having a blended family, finding your own definition of family where everyone is as loved and happy as they can possibly be.
Happiness breeds love and vice versa. Divorce doesn’t damage kids, the absence of love and affection does. Seeing your parents miserable or constantly fighting but putting up with it for “their sake” does. Listening to fighting and harmfull words does. Having their exeriences of marriage being strained and overall unfullfilled does. Internalising their parents “staying for them” is a life long trauma in most cases. Developing a warped sense of what marriage and “love” is based on their parents unhappy marriage is what will damage them the most.
If youre upset by any of what im saying and feel personally affronted then this one is probably for you.
YOU DO NOT NEED ANYONES PERMISSION TO SEEK YOUR OWN HAPPINESS.
YOU DO NOT NEED ANYONES PERMISSION TO BE HAPPY.
YOUR KIDS DO NOT WANT THEIR PARENTS TO BE UNHAPPY FOR THEIR SAKE.
YOUR KIDS WILL BE INFINATELY BETTER EQUIPPED FOR THE WORLD WITH AN ACCURATE DEPICTION OF WHAT LOVE AND HAPPINESS IS.
Now, this isn’t to say you need to actually get a divorce, raising kids with your best friend is awesome. It’s authentic and real and taking the pressure of sexual and romantic feelings out of the relationship is fantastic if it means both you and your marriage partner are happy.
Have a conversation, there’s many different types of families, theres many people who couldn’t care less about a piece of paper. There are many people that don’t define happiness as having that legal document or not. There are many people who will have no issue dating you regardless of your marriage so long as everyone is honest and clear about the situation. Theres no reason you and your marriage parnter can’t find happiness in your own relationships outside of that piece of paper.
You can love your marriage partner without being in love with them and having fun as a family without the expectations of behaviour over your heads.
No child wants to see their parents unhappy. Subconciously teaching your children to stay in a loveless marriage for their kids should make you feel VERY uncomfortable. Your kids deserve to see what true happiness, love, functional, honest, relationships are. Don’t set the precidence that they should stay unhappy in a marriage they mistakenly chose to enter.
You need to step up and show your kids that its okay to say “this isn’t working”, “we made a whoopsy and now we know we are better off as best friends raising kids together”,
“we accidently put someone elses happiness above our own, in turn bleeding unhappiness into the home”, “we are sorry for being convinced that staying unfullfilled would be better for you kids”, “we are sorry for setting a precedence that leads to unhappiness”.
They need to know that you will fight for your own happiness and fullfillment so that they know it’s okay to do the same for themselves. They need to know not to settle for anything less than love and affection in a marriage of their own if that’s what they want. They need to know it’s okay to say “i made a mistake that impacted the wellbeing of everyone involved and love, happiness and fullfillment in a blended family environment trumps a loveless marriage, bleeding guilt and repression any day of the week”.
It’s okay, it’ll work out the best for everyone, most especially your kids, if you are happy, if your needs are met, if you display love and honesty as pillars in a relationship and family. Like i said, this may not take the shape of a divorce at all, maybe you stay married and explain your partner in life is your best friend not a lover. Maybe you do still have love together but having your own relationships outside of the marriage is what will suit you best. Polyamory is a thing and theres no shame in that. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
If anyone says negative things to you, you don’t even need to respond but if you want to, you can say “sorry for not living up to your unrealistic expectations but i personally value fullfillment of needs, love and happiness in my family environment” a.k.a “Fuck you and your judgement you perfect example of toxic relationship advice and societal ideals”.
No kid deserves to feel responsible for your unhappiness, that’s NOT okay and a trauma they can and will carry for life. This is where unhappily conforming to societal expectaions cements itself into a childs brain. Your relationship is what your kids are going to base their own off very often. Don’t feed the narrative of unhappily married being the “norm”. Don’t feed the narrative that you have to give up on fullfilling the needs most important to your happiness and wellbeing in order to have a marriage and a family.
Theres many reasons only 1 and 3 marriages succeed and marriage rates are going down. It’s no longer a requirement to get married to escape your on toxic home environments or to escape poverty overall world wide. This is of course entirely the case in many countries but that IS NOT OKAY NOR IS IT HEALTHY.
Small sacrifices like being better at picking up after yourself, or doing more taxes, or getting a higher paying job, doing dishes more often, watching the kids regularly in tandom with another person, etc. are totally normal. Settling down should not however mean sacrificing your own happiness and the larger portion of your mental wellbeing and fullfillment.
Choosing to have a family should add to your happiness not sacrifice a greater portion of it. Getting married should be reflective of a partnership that compounds happiness when together than appart, not lessen it.
It’s also okay to be happily married then fall out of love later. That’s okay, everyone constantly evolves and changes throughout their lives and perhaps you grow to have different ideas of happiness. That’s actually a great thing as far as kids are concerned, separate and teach your kids both those examples of what is fullfilling for the both of you, now they know happiness takes many shapes and sizes and they can choose what best suits them in their own lives as adults. They now know that they don’t need to settle. Talk about it so they don’t take on the guilt of a marriage that didn’t work out and TADA now they know it’s okay to grow and reassess what will make them the most fullfilled and happy as adults and communicate it with others.
Like every kind of relationship ever, (platonic, familial, romantic, sexual etc,) communication should always be the main pillar of foundation. Talk about it, discuss it, express it. Why are you unhappy, what can you do to be happier? Are there things you can do as a family, kids included, to raise the bar of love and fullfillment. Talk to your kids, what do they really need you to talk to them about. What would they prefer? After explaining love and happiness takes many different forms and that having separate partners would make you happier as a person what would your kids prefer?
Theres a chance they’ll say they want you to stay together but that usually comes down to the fact that they don’t like change and already have manifested the idea that you should just “work harder”, or “settle” in order to be happy. Keep that in mind because at the end of the day the happier you are and open about it and affectionate and loved the more your children will understand about how to achieve their own happiness once leaving the nest.
You wouldn’t want the children to stay in a loveless marriage would you? You want your kids to be happy and their needs met don’t you?
Then show them how, set the precidence. Your children deserve to know it’s okay to reach the greatest level of fullfillment in this life, just like you do.
Get a divorce, separate, come out, go on a date, find someone more suited to you, find what makes you the happiest you can be, it’s not too late and you’re not too old. You don’t need my permission, but rest assured, you have it.
❤ Fox
FoxHacks 