Its like a train wreck, a car crash, you see it happening, a collision course, you stand there and look because there’s not a thing you could do that would change the outcome. You can explain it to them, but you cant understand it for them. You were born without the handbook everyone seems to have multiple copies of, in multiple dialects, let alone languages. You can even understand it sometimes but understanding is not the same as being able to execute the appropriate responses in return. Everyone adds these special sounds and facial arrangements, phrases and mannerisms to show you what they mean but most often not how they truly feel. The problem is you see how they feel more often than not but you always miss the fact they’re trying not to show it, hiding it under these nuances of communication. These nuances don’t mean anything to you most of the time and you have no use for them yourself because you can’t help but overthink every thing scanning and searching for clues in what someone is trying to tell you in a way you understand. Its exhausting enough without trying to match facial expressions or tones or delicately phrase things. You say what you mean, do what you say, you’re the genuine article, someone with their heart on their sleeve who will tell you plainly how they feel and why. You don’t have the energy for games of communication nuance tag.
Bergh it’s exhausting just thinking about it. Okay so I said this, which needs a smile to go with it, and a higher pitch ,so that I’m not perceived as a threat, even though they asked for my opinion, but they weren’t really asking for my opinion, were they, they are fishing for compliments, okay, so yeah you hate that colour but look for something positive, okay yeah it brings out the colour of their hair, they also look super washed out but leave that bit out, and now smile again, oh now they want to touch you for making them feel better about their own choices, okayyyyyyyy annnnnddddd yep, pat, pat on the back, get off of me now, take a step back, get some distance, oh geez I can still feel their arms around me trapping me in place, man that’s uncomfortable, why didn’t i wear more layers, oh wait I know, coz that may also feel gross and potentially make a noise that is major ick to the senses, anyway back to conversation and they’re looking at me sooooo smile, no wait frown, I missed something, shit okay, own up to it, sorry I wasn’t listening I, aaaand you don’t care, right yep dunno why I tried to explain that, never learn huh, sigh, okay this conversation is dead, what next, lets go find 5 minutes of freedom in the bathroom, deep breaths almost there.
Exhausting. But nowhere near as exhausting when everyone seems to want to add their own context to your words. Even worse when you’re prone to letting your thoughts wander and muse in depth in a clinical way. People don’t like that, people more often than not, say what they don’t mean so you are just going to have to guess what they mean whist ensuring they don’t add meaning behind your words because you’re so face value they don’t believe that everything you say is exactly what it means, your musings are clinical, your interest is genuine. They will read into everything you say and there’s nothing you can do about it except damage control when they’ve essentially created an entire back story to what you’re saying that is entirely beside your point and not at all relevant. Oh right don’t forget choose your questions wisely because most people,
- don’t talk about their feelings openly and factually they again, will say what they don’t mean so when you say how you feel they are adding to the power of 10 or something equally ridiculously out of proportion to how you actually feel.
- Even if you don’t understand, people won’t take the time to explain or rephrase so that you can understand, in fact sometimes simply asking is enough to make someone mad because most people find being questioned on their motives and thought processes some kind of attack.
- They literally may not know, seriously, they don’t know why they have been acting a certain way or doing something a certain way. The average persons thought process is so automated they may not even realise they’ve picked up the behaviour….but instead of saying “oh actually I never thought about it I’m not sure I’ve just always done things like this”, they will go on the defensive instead. Further to that they might even fight tooth and nail for it even though its obvious they don’t actually know anything about the mechanics or reasoning for the behaviours. What’s obviously a bigoted behaviour to you is normal for others and they do it simply because they never thought about it. I know, seems weird right. I kid you not.
I’ve come to a point where I now understand how rare true help or gifts are. I’m seriously sick to death of someone doing something then holding it over my head like I owe them something. That’s not freely given help, that’s not a gift, if you have any expectations of the other person That. Is. Not. Helping. That. Is. Not. A. Gift.
Sorry I’m fucking poor. Sorry my disability isn’t more visible to you. Sorry I don’t want to be around other people while half my organs cramp with Endo and I can’t go to the toilet and look 6 months pregnant. Sorry I don’t live up to what you think I should be doing. Sorry that on top of everything else I don’t feel like being around loud noises and lights or take a full day of public transport to subject myself to whatever bullshit scrutiny i have this time. Oh I need to loose weight, I should go for a walk, I need to be more accommodating, I need to “make the effort”? I had my abdominal cavity inflated and my organs scraped down and quarterized and organs detached from one another and multiple cysts and growths removed and on a wait list for even more invasive surgery, I’ve been assessed multiple times by the goddamn government on my ability to work, surprise motherfucker, by doing everything I already was I was making myself more unwell not better, so basically, go fuck yourself. None of that even takes into account my AuDHD, Fibro, Anxiety and hormone issues. Sorry I cant afford to have a place for you to stay, sorry it was such a hardship for you that I didn’t have room for you to stay with me, sorry that you have health issues to, I just thought, maybe that because you had a few things going on you’d be a little more understanding, sorry I thought maybe you could meet me more halfway, my bad.
You should be enough for those who claim to love you. If anyone expects you to go through serious hardship and pain for their benefit especially not of your own free will, thats not okay. They do not have your wellbeing at heart and therefore not worth consenting to that level of torture. Nobody, nobody has any right to tell you, you must suffer, in order to be loved, or must suffer to show love. THAT IS NOT HEALTHY, that is not okay. support each other and endeavour to understand one another, if they don’t try, nor should you. If they choose to be in unwanted pain or hardship to show their love, they simply haven’t worked out a healthy way to show their affections and that’s NOT your fault.
You can explain it to them but you cant understand it for them, though its not your job to do even that, that person or persons need therapy, and now, honestly, so do you after being taught such an unhealthy way of showing love. Your health is more important than anyone else because you wont see anyone ever again if you don’t put it first. unfortunately sometimes, for some people it takes losing someone to understand this, for others they never will, its not your job to fix them or convince them. You’ve got enough happening to worry about just to look after your own health and stay out of hospital if they don’t offer themselves the same respect that’s not on you.
You don’t have to be anyone other than yourself. It’s okay to have boundaries and to protect them. Do your best to look after you, you were born without the handbook, it’s okay to mess up and learn from mistakes, at least you know that you really do your best with what you have to work with, if those people can’t see that, those people are not Your people.
FoxHacks 