A snapshot into Life with Chronic Anxiety and Depression.

Touch Depression/Deprivation

I’m reading a book, its about werewolves and I’m enjoying it. Suddenly the words no longer make sense and my brain cannot recognise what the symbols on the page mean. Then I feel it…….

An overwhelming crushing weight bears down on my body. My conciousness believes it’s at a beach on a stormy day with my body in the ocean. I feel myself being dragged away with brutal force only to feel the rise of my body before it hits…. a wave of unimaginable ferocity smashes down onto my body pushing it far below the surface. I don’t know which way is up or down, my senses are in disarray, but before I can orient myself I feel myself being dragged once again only to rise to the surface for a split second when another collosal wave knocks the air from my body and envelopes me in ice cold water once again. I can’t breathe. I’m gasping for air only to draw water into my lungs.

I feel the pull again and look back down at the page of my book, there are no longer any words written on it. I sigh and lie back knowing there’s nothing that can be done, Distraction tactics had no power in this attack on my senses this time.

I lie back on my bed and reach out for my weighted blanket wrapping myself in a heavy cocoon. I close my eyes allowing my body to be taken by the unrelenting current of emotion. I sigh again. I cannot feel my body anymore in real life. I’m going to have to ride this one out. I know of no tool, physical or mental that can counteract this kind of attack. If it exists, I’ve never found it. All I can do is open my brain to the onslaught and say “Hello” in a tired voice to the Demons that hold my conciousness in their grasp.

“I see you, I understand, you must be recognised and be validated in this moment. Please, have your tantrum and be quick about it, I must rest”, I say out loud feeling the triumph flowing off of the demons. After all, I’m in their territory now, I never stood a chance.

One looks down on me with pity, the other with a cold stare, I’m surprised every time when I look up at them during these attacks, to see my own face looking down on me showing such expressions chills me to my core.
I sigh once more but it’s cut short as the final wave crashes into my frail body and open mind.

This wave is unforgiving, larger than the others, my skin tears, my bones creak and my muscles scream in protest against the unrelenting agony that envelops my entire being. I feel myself sink to the bottom, the weight of this emotional sea crushing me.

I try open my eyes but all is dark, there’s nothing here, no light, no comfort, no warmth. My skin is cold, my body aches, what is it? What am I missing? There’s something missing.

“Oh” I whisper, “I understand………I’m alone.”

My eyes open, a sad smile creeps onto my face…….. I’m lonely. I’m craving contact. Skin to skin, body to body, not sexual. Just….contact.

A Warm Embrace with no terms or conditions.

“Soon”, I whisper to myself as a promise. “Soon.”

I feel the weight of my weighted blanket surrounding me in a warm embrace, my heart rate slows it’s rhythm, some minutes pass, I roll over, grab my phone and continue reading about werewolves.

Published by foxhacks

Primal Fox Kink and Poly Educator.

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