So, you’re interested? GREAT! Let’s get started!
First Up, I’ve got a Page to help you on your journey,
To keep up with the crazy conversations, to learn new things, to find new things to look into and to know what to ask about when you want more information, the best place to start is to Know Your Lingo! One thing that cracks me up laughing is when people get confused when CBT is mentioned. Depending on who you’re talking to, they could be talking about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or Cock and Ball Torture……Hilarious when someone abbreviates, and you think “wait…what?”
Don’t ever think you can’t ask for clarification of anything anyone is talking about in Poly or Kink spaces. Everyone in these communities want you to learn more about the lifestyles they lead in order to limit unfounded negative responses. On your travels to gain more knowledge, You may even find you meet a few people who give you needlessly extensive explanations. Just remember everyone is different, all experiences are unique, one person’s understanding of a term or phrase may be different to another’s, so always keep your mind open and absorb as much info as you can.
AT ANY POINT READING MY BLOGS YOU FIND THAT YOU HAVE A DIFFERENT UNDERSTANDING/PERCEPTION OR OPINION OF WHAT I’VE WRITTEN,,,,AWESOME! TELL ME! LET’S ADD YOUR EXPERIENCE TO THE SITE FOR THE BENEFIT OF FURTHERING OTHERS KNOWLEDGE!
Upon entering any community, there’s a few helpful tips I can give you to smoothen that process and help you make connections without any of the basic introductory slip ups. I’ve been a part of the Kink and Polyamorous community in Melbourne for 4 years now, so I’ve picked up skills and observed certain behaviours. Some of these behaviours would benefit both those new to the scene and all curious, kinky individuals, when they wish to interact with others who may share your interest in the deviant, sexy, open-minded behaviours.
First up, Let’s Talk Pronouns! Pronouns are super important to respect as misusing them can cause unnecessary thoughts, feelings and sometimes, will end your conversation right there and then. Pronouns are how you refer to a person i.e. She/Her, He/Him, They/Them. If you can avoid using pronouns at all, this can be an easy way to stop any unpleasant actions and reactions from you and the other person in question. Ill give you an example, see how I said that person there? Maybe try saying “that person” or “those people” instead of He/she/they/them. Phrases I use on a regular basis are:
- This/That Individual
- This/That Amazing human being
- This/That Person
- Those People
- They/Them is largely acceptable to use also for Masculine/Feminine and not just the Non-Identifying crowds. As that is the point, it does not associate Gender with the individual/s you speak to or about.
It is useful to use these, and extra special when you add a nice, flattering adjective (which is especially useful if you want to start dropping hints in early from a dating point of view to show your interest). For example, This Attractive Individual, This Incredible Person, This Beautiful Human Being. By using these tips, you show you not only accept this person for what they are, A PERSON, you’re also flattering them, it’s an awesome start to a conversation!
Extra tip: You can also replace pronouns in conversation simply with that person’s preferred name quite more often than you think.
When you do use pronouns, Try think a little more about it. Try ask yourself who is this person trying to show me they are by; the clothes they wear, their hair, their makeup, the way in which they speak, the way they hold themselves etc. Nearly all of the time, if you just open your eyes and ears, its obvious. If it isn’t obvious to you then, don’t assume, simple right? You just go back to not using them at all and using phrases like I listed above that completely avoid gendering anyone!
YOU don’t have to make it a big deal if you get it wrong when using pronouns, all you need to do is apologise sincerely and ask what their preferred pronouns are. It’s always important to apologise, as you never know what that person has or is going through to be recognised as who they really are. Asking for preferred pronouns once you’ve apologised shows your willingness to rectify your mistake and shows you do indeed have respect for whoever that person wants to be. If they reply “They/Them”, you better believe you’re calling that person they/them for the rest of your life (Call people what they want to be called with regards to pronouns).
Apologising isn’t genuine or responded to positively when you start to provide an excuses as to why it happened. Explaining why it happened is never a good idea, as you will just make yourself seem less agreeable as a person to speak to. There isn’t a viable excuse, the excuses that exist, all actually mean you need to change and adapt your mindset away from negative societal ideas.
Athena, My good friend and far more knowledgeable on the topic of pronouns than I, would also like to add, “if you know their correct pronouns and mistakenly misgender them, apologising, correcting and moving on is the best approach as it doesn’t draw attention to the incorrect pronoun.
“and when he, sorry, she said that it was incorrectly…”
“this is when she, sorry, they started running down…”
Continuing the conversation doesn’t allow for the mistake to be registered by the general listener, but a massive apology and making it into a big issue draws attention to it and can potentially out a closeted transgender or non-binary individual.”
It costs you nothing to respect people for who they are as people, without reference to Genders. If you wish to be a part of open-minded communities, remember to open your mind as well from all those silly societal norms that you may have inside you, that were placed in your head from a young age.
With these quick starting out tips hopefully your entry on whatever scene you enter is as smooth sailing as possible!
STAY KINKY & SAFE! GET TO MEETING AND GREETING!
Your Fiery, currently stuck on a country train, Primal fox.
REMEMBER: If someone asks you to call them any kind of kink names such as Dom, Mistress, Sub, Sissy etc and you’re uncomfortable to do so, THAT IS NOT THE SAME AS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT IN THIS ARTICLE! YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY EVERY RIGHT TO REFUSE AND TELL THEM THAT WOULD MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE. Or just say NO because you really don’t have to explain yourself in that situation, people who do that in the community annoy the rest of us anyway, so don’t even worry, we got you.
If at any time, anywhere, you feel threatened, someone is making you uncomfortable, or you straight up don’t feel safe, TELL SOMEONE! At every event, meet up and club that are a part of alternative lifestyle scenes, there are always people there ready to be by your side. Not only to get you home, but to make sure you feel safe and secure with the problem people sorted right out!